


so many mothers ago, I married into myself

by hotgirl



Series: naisen [3]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Gen, Haruno Sakura-centric, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Mokuton User Haruno Sakura, Politics, Tsunade-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-17
Updated: 2020-03-17
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:09:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23180716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hotgirl/pseuds/hotgirl
Summary: When Kakashi looked at this awful child with her pink fucking hair and saw the shadow of a girl who's been dead for a decade, he looked away. You are not Kakashi.or: tsunade couldn't save rin, but she can still save sakura
Relationships: Dai-nana-han | Team 7 & Haruno Sakura, Haruno Sakura & Shizune, Haruno Sakura & Tsunade, Shizune & Tsunade (Naruto)
Series: naisen [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1081791
Comments: 27
Kudos: 562





	so many mothers ago, I married into myself

**Author's Note:**

> hey guys, it's me, the biggest naruto women's rights advocate u know,
> 
> i think that its a crime how little development we got from tsunade and sakura's relationship. also, civil war au rise
> 
> title comes from kristin chang's [etymology](https://therumpus.net/2018/07/rumpus-original-poetry-three-poems-by-kristin-chang/)

You meet Nohara Rin at the worst possible time but you don't know that until it's too late.

Like most things, it's Jiraiya's fault. You've been on something like a sabbatical since the Second Shinobi World War ended. The second you left, another war started. You cut off one head and another grew back in its place. At the start of the Third Shinobi World War, your former sensei sought you out to return to lead the medic corps. You thought of Dan's blood clinging to your skin for days afterward. You had looked like a child exiled from the safety of its mother's womb.

The answer was no.

And then, a few years later, Jiraiya tracked you down in a gambling den. His student's team — Team Kushina — wanted to meet you, he said. They were just like your old team, he swore. Maybe you missed Jiraiya. Maybe you even missed that bastard gremlin Orochimaru.

Either way, you agreed to meet them.

When the two boys start arguing before your sake arrives, you aren't sure if your head or heart hurts more. Kakashi and Obito, as Jiraiya introduces them, are the spitting image of a 12-year-old Orochimaru and Jiraiya. The girl surprises you though. Rin, he tells you her name is, doesn't yell at them like you would have. Instead, she mediates their fighting even more than Kushina does.

It makes you snort. "I thought you said this kid was like me."

"In terms of her skill set, yeah. Rin, tell Tsunade about your medical ninjutsu," he says.

You swear to god there are stars in her eyes when she opens her mouth: "Oh, oh! Tsunade-sama, I'm so inspired by your work! I've been training to be a medic-nin for three years now and, um, I heal my teammates a lot. Broken bones, bruises, and cuts mostly, but I can heal more than that! I saved the life of an Iwa-nin who was bleeding internally _and_ externally once!"

This stupid girl has been covered with someone else's blood in the middle of a battlefield. She's fighting a war she knows nothing about and she found the compassion to save an enemy's life. The thought makes you fucking sick. You don't know what to say, so you settle for, "is that so, kid?"

She nods.

Obito shoots her a look. Then he glares at you. "Yeah! Rin's the best ever at medical ninjutsu!" He shouts. What a bratty little bastard. You hope someone teaches him some goddamn manners.

Rin gasps like she's been shot.

"Obito, shut your mouth! You can't say that kind of thing around Tsunade-sama," Kushina waves her fist around.

"Yeah, you moron. Tsunade-sama is the best medic-nin in the _world_. Don't you know anything?" Kakashi sneers.

Your sake finally arrives. By the end of the meal, you've worked your way through four bottles. And then Rin asks to ask you a question and, god, you hate how polite this kid is.

"Go nuts," you slur as Kushina takes the bill.

She bows, vaguely, you think someone needs to teach her to be more goddamn aggressive, then she asks, "Tsunade-sama, will you please train me?"

You want to be cruel. The thought of partaking in another war, to any extent, makes you feel fucking sick. But that's not her fault. She's just a girl. The three of them, they're just _kids_. They're like you, born to a warring period with the misfortune of becoming a shinobi without knowing what that really means.

You don't want her to be like you and you don't want her to watch her comrades die.

"I'll think about it," you tell her.

After, Jiraiya walks you back to your hotel. He tells you that even Orochimaru likes having genin runts to teach and the memory of him putting Nawaki through the bell test makes your chest ache. "Listen, you don't have to come back to the village and become a sensei. Just train Rin. She's a nice kid and even though she's civilian-born, Kushina speaks very highly of her. Maybe she could even master your Byakugō someday," he says.

"I said I'd think about it," you tell him.

He sighs. He knows you too well. "But you didn't mean it."

You close the door in his face before he can make this any more painful.

**/**

A month later, Obito is killed in action. 

Kakashi comes back to Konoha with his Sharingan. There are whispers and screams that he stole it but Jiraiya tells you Rin transplanted it in a dingy cave as Obito's dying wish. You down another bottle before deciding that maybe you meant it after all.

You don't go back to the village. Instead, you write to Kushina. You tell her to get Rin clearance to leave the village. You know Hiruzen-sensei is considering both her and Nawaki for the position of Yondaime, and as Konoha's jinchuriki, she should be able to get clearance.

She says she'll do her best but the war is getting worse and Konoha is still short on medic-nin. Rin has been in high demand ever since the eye transplant.

So you wait. And you wait. And you wait. Months go by and all you get are more letters from Kushina. She asks if you can't come back to the village to train Rin. You tell her that's out of the question entirely. Before you know it, a year has passed.

And then Rin dies too.

**/**

Dan's niece, Shizune, comes out of the war an orphan. You take her in and you teach her everything you should have taught Rin.

It's not enough to bury your guilt.

**/**

Nawaki is made the Yondaime Hokage three months before Kushina gives birth to her child. The nine-tails breaks the seal during labor and kills her, her husband Minato, Biwako, and your little brother.

You come back to the village to ID his body; they couldn't scrub away all of the blood lining his flesh. The sight brings back memories of Dan and your hands turned a sickening red that wouldn't come off for days afterward. You can't help but puke.

You officially retire.

**/**

You meet Haruno Sakura at the best possible time but you don't know that until it's too late.

Like all things, it's Jiraiya's fault. He tracks you down again, this time with some pint-sized brat. He tells you Orochimaru killed your sensei and the village is in shambles after Suna betrayed them. They asked him to be Hokage but he suggested you instead. It's not fair, really. He even brought the kid because he knows that brat is just like Nawaki before he grew up too fast.

It gets even worse when Orochimaru shows up, promising to bring him and Dan back to you.

The three of you fight for the first time in years. By some miracle, you overcome your hemophobia. Then you lose a bet to a goddamn twelve-year-old. Somebody oughtta teach him some goddamn manners.

In the end, you go with Jiraiya and the brat, Naruto.

Your first stop in the village is the hospital. Apparently, some of Naruto's friends need more than what the doctors of Konoha can give them. He drags you to the last Uchiha's hospital room. A girl with ridiculous pink hair is sitting next to him with her back to you.

You're on the verge of saying something mean about her hair when she looks up from the boy's side and it hits you like a ton of bricks. She looks like Rin. Green eyes and pink hair but you still feel sick.

It's like looking at a yūrei. She's got those same helpless, hopeful eyes and that stupid fucking nose that looks like it might sniffle at any moment. Is this a goddamn onryō? Are you being punished by some divine deity for not going back to the village in time?

"Who are you?" She asks like she's trying to soften her rudeness.

"She's a doctor!" Naruto exclaims.

She bows to you and she begs, "please help Sasuke!"

You try to smile reassuringly at her before you walk over to him. His physical injuries were healed when he arrived but, as Jiraiya explained it to you, Itachi put him under some kind of Sharingan genjutsu that he still hasn't woken up from. You put your hand over his forehead and find the disturbance in his chakra. You correct it with ease. "He should be getting up any minute now," you say.

You swear to god there are stars in her eyes but she looks like she might cry. You rip your gaze from her to see that Naruto is grinning ear to ear. They really love this kid, don't they?

You explain to them that Sasuke might still be out of it when he comes to. He wakes up before you're done and they're practically dogpiling him.

The sight breaks your goddamn heart. There was a time when that was your team. You can still remember Orochimaru's ugly face twisting as you and Jiraiya re-fractured his ribs trying to hug him.

Sasuke doesn't look like that though. He looks dead inside and it's chilling.

You leave before you can dwell on this hellhole of old faces anymore.

**/**

The next kid you examine makes you feel even worse somehow. There are so many bone fragments in his neural framework, you don't even know if you can fix it. Even if you can, it might just kill him. You tell him he needs to quit being a shinobi for his own sake.

His sensei accuses you of being an imposter. You almost feel like one.

"Gai, the highest possible success rate for this surgery is 50%. I'm the only person alive even skilled enough to attempt it and if it fails, he'll _die_."

He looks like he might die anyway.

**/**

If you've learned anything in your life, it's that history doesn't repeat itself, but it won't hesitate to rhyme.

You should have known the second you saw them. They omit four from the team roster but you know that seven is the cursed one. Team Hiruzen, Team Kushina, Team Kakashi—they're all the same.

This iteration impaled your hospital with a tree. Calmly, you walk to the roof, you rip the tree trunk open, and you pull a limp girl into your arms.

Two seconds later and both her teammates' arms would be somewhere between her ribs and her lungs. That's how Rin died. You wonder if Kakashi hears it too.

"You two," you growl at them, "don't you ever fight in my hospital again. And don't you _ever_ aim jutsu like that at a comrade again either. Get the fuck out of here. You've both done enough for today."

Sasuke's hand curls into a fist. He's glaring holes into the tree that stands where Sakura had stupidly thrown herself in the path of his chidori and Naruto's rasengan. Jealousy, you think bitterly, is a means to an end.

Naruto grits his teeth. He gives Sasuke a look you can't quite place then he brings his gaze to Sakura, painfully unmoving in your hold. "Will Sakura be okay?" His voice comes out rough and scared.

"You don't get to ask that right now," you snap.

"Tsunade-sama!" Shizune admonishes, "they weren't trying to hurt her! She should be fine, Naruto, she's probably just suffering chakra exhaustion, right, Tsunade-sama?"

You curl and uncurl your hand in and out of a fist before answering, "right. From using wood release. Now scram, you brats."

Naruto leaves with Jiraiya. Sasuke leaves alone. If you weren't so angry, you'd be scared for them both.

Two seconds slower and one of her teammates would be half-dead and broken on the ground. That's how Orochimaru left. You wonder if Jiraiya hears it too.

You wonder how he couldn't.

**/**

You've been the Godaime for a day and the dinosaurs on the Council are already furious. You thought it would at least take you a week to upset them. You suppose they aren't actually mad at you though, even if it's directed at you. Besides, the second you saw that tree, you knew this was coming.

"That girl, what's her name?" Koharu asks.

"Sakura," you sigh.

Shizune kicks you under the table. "Haruno Sakura. She's one of the genin on Hatake Kakashi's Team 7. With, um, Namikaze Naruto and Uchiha Sasuke."

The elders exchange unnerving looks with each other.

Then Danzō, who you've always found particularly foul, speaks, "the jinchuriki and the last Uchiha." You're not sure what it is but you don't trust the way he says that.

"Of course that team is causing more trouble. What was Hiruzen thinking, putting them together..." Homura grumbles.

You tsk and try to think about gambling instead. Maybe you should bet on which one of these geriatric bastards will die first. Homura for sure, you think. He looks ready to keel over any minute now.

Like she senses your thoughts, Shizune shoots you a look. "I imagine the first question is whether or not she's a Senju," she says.

Danzō nods thoughtfully. "Yes, of course, we'll have a DNA test done to see if she's related to Hashirama," he says. It's so damn disrespectful. Your grandfather was the Shodaime and someone like Danzō should refer to him as such.

"She's unconscious and a minor. It would be unethical to do a DNA test without both her and her parents' consent," you snap.

He waves it off. "They have no reason to refuse. It's for the good of the village."

What a perfect excuse. You inhale angrily, then ask, "and what if she's not a Senju"! You're almost afraid of the answer. You don't know a lot about Orochimaru's experiments, but as twisted as they were, you're sure the village would be willing to replicate them to find out the secret to wood release. If she's not a Senju, Sakura is just a genin from a civilian family. Kakashi might protest but even he doesn't have the status needed to stop them from experimenting on her if it comes down to it.

The elders all laugh insincerely at the idea.

"I'm sure she will be," Koharu says, "you should be happy, Hokage-sama. Your clan isn't dead after all."

Shizune grips your arm tightly to keep you from smacking her. "What good news, Tsunade-sama! Now, um, about repairing the hospital... what kind of budget do we have?"

**/**

They still haven't fixed the tree through the hospital problem when you perform surgery on the boy who might never be a shinobi again. Rock Lee, his name is. The whole time you have his back open, all you can think is how much you believe he'll live.

He does.

**/**

The day Sakura wakes up, Sasuke defects.

A chūnin finds her on a bench by the outskirts of the village. There's a sakura tree by her; it's tall and already wilting. It split the stone pathway in two. This one isn't nearly as big as the tree through your hospital, but you can't believe she had enough chakra to raise it.

She was supposed to be in the hospital. No one had clearance to discharge her and her parents knew that. She must have snuck out instead. Stupid girl... breaking out of the hospital and coming all that way... risking even worse chakra exhaustion by using the wood release again.

If she hadn't told that chūnin that Sasuke had defected, you might've smacked her when you saw her.

Instead, she sits in your office and relays everything she knows.

It's worse than you thought: Orochimaru gave him a curse mark in the 44th Training Ground and he's defecting to Otogakure now. If he gets there, there's no telling what Orochimaru will do to him and his Sharingan.

You assemble a unit as fast as you can. There's only one new chūnin, some Nara brat, and your sensei recommended him personally, so you assign him to be squad leader. You put him in charge of Naruto and some other brats who competed in the Chūnin Exams. There's a few promising clan kids: a Hyūga, a Yamanaka, and an Inuzaka. You tack on an orphan weapons master, Tenten. 

Almost all of them were in the same year as Sasuke at the academy. If nothing else, you hope it gives them some incentive. 

Sakura begs to go with them.

"You're too weak as is!" You snap at her. "You've already pushed yourself past your breaking point. As your doctor, as the Godaime, I'm ordering you to rest!"

Just like that, she starts crying. It's pitiful and a little bit ugly but it breaks your heart nonetheless. It's like watching her seams come undone. " _Please!_ It's my fault he left. Please let me help," she sobs.

"Jeez... you really like Sasuke, huh? It's okay! I understand how you feel," Naruto says warmly. You hadn't pegged him as thoughtful.

She hugs herself a little tighter. "Thank you, Naruto," she gasps out.

He smiles at her, wide and reassuring like nothing has ever been wrong in the world. "Don't worry about it, Sakura-chan! I'm gonna bring Sasuke home and Team 7 will go back to normal, okay? Promise of a lifetime!"

She looks at him like she's never believed in anything or anyone more. She clasps her hands as if in prayer. You think she might really be praying. Maybe you've lost faith, but you hope to god her prayer doesn't fall on deaf ears.

**/**

Nara Shikamaru breaks a pinky. The rest of his unit comes back in pieces: almost all of Tenten's ribs are broken, Inuzuka Kiba is bleeding profusely, his little dog broke its legs, and Yamanaka Ino and Hyūga Neji are both half-dead by the time they make it to the ER.

You're still waiting on Naruto. You don't expect Sasuke with him.

For now, all you can do is make sure these kids get the best treatment they can. You're not going to let them die. You didn't let Lee die and they won't be any different. The Inuzuka like to tend to their own, so you let Hana take care of Kiba and Akamaru; Tenten is under the care of Oyone, who you served in the Second War with and trust with your life; Shizune is leading a small team of medic-nin to heal Neji; and, since the Yamanaka would kill you if you let their clan heir die, you make it your personal responsibility to save Ino's life.

When you've finally stabilized her condition, Shikamaru is in what's left of the waiting room with one of the Suna-nin who came to save them and his father. He doesn't look at you. You think he's shaking a little bit.

"Hey," you call out, "she's gonna live. It surprised me but she's a fighter. Dumb kid, she was only supposed to be there for her sensory skills. But it's fine, I stopped the bleeding and healed the damage to her lungs and heart. Also, when she comes to, make sure she starts eating more. She's seriously underweight and I'm gonna take her off active duty if she doesn't gain a few pounds."

"Tsunade-sama, thank you," his father sighs.

Shikamaru still doesn't turn around.

Shizune bursts into the room. "Neji is in stable condition! And Kakashi-san has entered the village with Naruto! He's got some broken bones but he'll live!"

"No Sasuke, huh? I guess your mission was a failure after all, Shikamaru, but there were no casualties. Keep that in mind, okay? Don't beat yourself up too much, kid," you tell him.

You watch him fall to his knees and shake like a leaf from a tree. "Next time, I promise I'll do it perfectly," he chokes out through his tears.

About an hour later, they tell you that Ino finally woke up. You walk Shikamaru to her room. The trunk of Sakura's tree splits the hallway in two so you take the long way.

"Hey," he murmurs. His eyes are still puffy but he's trying to sound tough now. "Can I ask something?"

"Don't be so polite, but sure," you say.

"I understand that this was a different kind of mission and we didn't have a typical squad, but shouldn't we have been assigned a medic-nin?" He asks.

You sigh because he's not wrong. "A long time ago, I wrote the same thing in a study on team survival and mission success rates. I even appealed to Hiruzen-sensei about the matter. As Hokage, I intend to do something about it—I even intend to expand healthcare to civilians—but the truth is that it's very hard to train a medic-nin. It's a completely different skill set than that of the average shinobi. It requires absolutely perfect chakra control, intensive specialized knowledge, the ability to apply that knowledge, and that's not even accounting for the most important thing that makes a first-class medic-nin."

He gauges what you've said as you arrive at Ino's room. You open the door and feel like you're intruding.

Sakura is, against your orders, at Ino's bedside. Teary-eyed, she cups Ino's face in a way that's beyond intimate. It's almost religious. In return, a dazed Ino catches strands of Sakura's hair. They look so small and so sad. Decades too young for one of them to be in the hospital after almost dying.

You shake your head at Shikamaru and close the door to give them their privacy. A moment like this needs to be sheltered from outsiders.

"Stupid pig," you hear Sakura whisper. "Thank you for trying so hard but I'm never letting you do that again."

"Who says I need your permission, forehead?" Ino bites back hoarsely.

You hurry Shikamaru down the hall before either of you can hear any more of their conversation. "How about visiting Naruto instead?" you suggest.

"Uh, sure," he says, "what was—"

"It's not our business," you tell him firmly.

Naruto is bandaged from head to toe when you get to his room. You leave them alone to talk. You have a lot of work to do after all. Konoha has a new missing-nin to worry about now. History didn't repeat itself, but you can't pretend you didn't hear it rhyme.

**/**

You're called away from your office not even two hours later. Sakura left her room again. This time, you find her with Naruto. You open the door and see her lying next to him, their hands grazing timidly. You know that feeling; they're afraid to hold each other but even more afraid to be apart.

"When I put you on bed rest, I meant your own bed, Sakura," you sigh from the doorway.

"M'sorry..." she mumbles. She's staring blankly at the ceiling, borderline catatonic. It's worse than when you ripped the bark open and found her lifeless. Her breathing is shallower now.

"Don't make her go," Naruto pleads quietly.

If her reunion with Ino was religious, her reunion with Naruto is otherworldly.

Even with your strength, you don't think you could pry them apart. You don't want to either. They'll need each other more than ever without Sasuke. You're not sure they'll ever stop needing each other in his absence. Your heart breaks for them. It feels as familiar as death itself.

"I meant it," he whispers for her, "I won't go back on my word. That's my nindō, Sakura, okay? I'm gonna bring Sasuke back home to us."

She curls her hand into a fist and says nothing miserably. Her knuckles scrape against his palm and his fingers twitch.

You think you should leave before you suffocate under the weight of it all. Instead, you look at her eyes. They're so sad and hopeless. And then, they change. She smiles tightly and gets up from the bed. She walks to where you stand in the doorway so you move aside. She pauses and says, "next time, I'll be by your side."

You're not sure if she believes it, but you can tell she wants it to be true. It reminds you of Naruto's promise to her.

**/**

Not even a day later, Naruto bursts into your office, in tears about Sasuke and still wrapped head to toe in gauze. "Baa-san, how can you make Sasuke a missing-nin!? They'll kill him, don't you understand that!? They'll kill my best friend and that'll kill Sakura-chan and me and—and—you can't do that to us, you just can't! Please don't let them kill Sasuke, _please_ , I'm _begging_ you!"

You stare at him in shock.

Shizune moves like she's going to try to escort him out.

"Don't," you say hoarsely. You need to try to explain to him just why this is happening like how you wished someone had when Orochimaru defected; you had never particularly liked that bastard, but he had been a comrade and a childhood friend regardless. His defection had left you aching in a way you hadn't expected, and you can't imagine how someone who loved their comrade as much as Naruto must be feeling.

She glances at you guiltily. "Tsunade-sama, you can't just—"

"I can. Naruto... I don't want Sasuke to die. The Council does. But if I don't declare Sasuke a missing-nin, they'll push back against any law I try to pass and any funding I request for social programs. I'm trying to protect as many people as I can," you tell him gravely, "but the Council _hated_ the Uchiha."

Through tears, he glares at you like he can't believe you could ever say this. "Sasuke is a _person_ , Tsunade-baa-san," he growls, "he's not some political pawn for you. He's a goddamn person and his life matters! _Besides_ , you ran away from Konoha too and nobody declared you a missing-nin!"

You think about Obito and how his death had only moved you to want to protect Rin. You think about how your great uncle hated the Uchiha and how your grandfather failed them; you will not repeat their mistakes with Sasuke. You understand why this boy—this child—left, and Naruto is right; you left too.

Because it is not the will of the people--the will of _Naruto_ \--you don't declare Uchiha Sasuke a missing-nin. You're sure the Council is already plotting to oust you.

**/**

The day Sakura's parents check her out of the hospital, Jiraiya takes Naruto away to train.

Orochimaru has Sasuke, Jiraiya has Naruto, and you have nothing.

Sakura doesn't ask you to train her. That catches you off guard. You could have sworn you saw more than just the shadow of a dead girl in her face.

Shizune bursts into the room and breaks your train of thought. "Tsunade-sama! The DNA test came back." She hands you the envelope. "You'll be the first person to read the results," she says breathlessly.

"... Sakura is not a Senju," you murmur. A disappointment you didn't expect follows. Maybe you'd been holding out hope you weren't the last of your clan or that there'd be some reason for you to look after her. "It says there's a possible genetic match to the Uzumaki heritage of the Senju but not a familial one..."

"And there's never been a single Uzumaki who could use wood release," she finishes.

You crush the results in your hand. "Right, and it's only a possible match. It's unlikely, but it could be is a grandparent who married out of the clan before the Uzushiogakure massacre." Then, bitter, you add, "I doubt it since her parents are civilians."

She hugs Tonton tighter to her chest. "So this means Danzō-sama will want to experiment on her to figure out the genetics of wood release..."

"As long as I'm Hokage, I won't let that happen," you spit out. You don't think you could bear to have this stupid little girl's blood on your hands too. "Shizune, schedule a meeting with the Council immediately."

At the meeting, you slam the freshly uncrumpled paper down on the table before the old bastards. Its legs break and they smile angrily at you. You cross your arms with finality.

"What's this?" Koharu asks, feigning politeness.

"The DNA test results. She's not a Senju," you say curtly. "But I'm putting a protection order on her. If _anything_ happens to that stupid girl, I will personally bring whoever is responsible to justice."

Danzō glares at you, "Tsunade-hime, you have so little faith in me. Why would I ever have ROOT harm her? A soldier with the wood release is invaluable to the village."

"She's a _child_ ," you snap, "not a weapon." That's all any of them are.

"She's a _kunoichi_. Don't let your heart cloud your mind," he scolds you like a small child. "She needs to learn to use it correctly. We should be arranging private lessons with —"

You slap him. Not hard enough to break his jaw but hard enough to leave a bruise he'll never forget. Shizune restrains you immediately.

"Tsunade-sama!" The elders gasp.

"I'm so sorry, Danzō-sama! That won't happen again," Shizune promises.

You break free of her grip. "I am not nearly stupid enough to let you arrange private lessons for her," you spit out at him.

He glowers at you and says, "the only other wood release user alive is in ROOT. There is no one else to teach her how to use it. It is in the village's best interest to have him train her, _Tsunade_."

Shizune tugs your sleeve and her eyes go desperate. For her sake, you bite your tongue.

**/**

You supervise Sakura's first training session with Tenzo. Danzō introduces him as Yamato and pretends to be nothing but a friendly old man to Sakura. It makes your hands curl to fists. This bastard wants to violate her human rights and use her as a tool in combat and he has the nerve to pretend to be kind to her.

You think of Naruto under Jiraiya's protection. You think of the beast sealed inside him and wonder if he even knows what he's been made into. You know that he can't possibly know and you damn yourself for signing off on Jiraiya's sabbatical with him.

Then you remember Sasuke; he's just a boy and he's been lured to Orochimaru. There's no telling what will happen to him. All you can do for him now is try to bring him back before Orochimaru kills him.

You wonder how a team could be so like yours and yet so painfully not.

The same way Team Kushina was.

Kakashi. Sasuke. Orochimaru.

Obito. Naruto. Jiraiya.

Rin. Sakura. _You_.

You resolve to learn more about the ghosts of dead children from the sole survivor. You need to find where the parallels end and Team 7 begins before it's too late.

**/**

You visit him at his apartment. It's shitty for a jonin apartment, but you're not that surprised. He's only got four pictures out: the first is of him with his father, the second is Team Kushina's standard photo together, then something with him and Gai, and finally, him with Team 7.

You don't beat around the bush.

"Tell me about her."

Kakashi stares you, taken aback. "Sakura is a smart girl," he says slowly. He knows this is not what you're asking about. Of course, he knows. Kushina must have told them both that Tsunade wanted to train Rin.

"Not Sakura," you tell him gently this time, "I know it must be hard for you, but I've always wondered."

His knuckles turn white. "She was civilian," he says tersely, "and a very good medic."

"And?" you prompt.

His visible eye closes.

You wonder if he had the Sharingan out when his hand went through her chest. You wonder if it's burned into his memory forever now. You put your hand over his to calm him down.

"She was smart," he whispers, "really smart. No one expected that from a civilian. I didn't. You saw how kind she was too. To everyone, even Obito. R—she... she had two parents. They loved her, and they supported her being a shinobi." He doesn't say that they shouldn't have. He doesn't have to.

You both know.

"What about those, uh, the fucking purple marks..."

For just a second, he laughs. "She was imitating the Inuzuka, so people wouldn't know her family was civilian."

It makes you smile; discrimination against civilians, especially those who go into the academy, is something you fully intend to fix, but the thought of that stupid little girl painting her face every morning so that no one will make fun of her or overlook her is adorable.

"What did she want to do with her life?" you can't help but ask.

Kakashi slumps down. He looks guilty as he stares at his hands. "... I don't know," he admits, "... I should know. I wasn't a good friend to her."

"I didn't know anything about Orochimaru either," you admit, catching yourself off guard. You don't mean to compare her to him. It just slips out. "Is Sakura like her?" you ask.

"... I thought so at first," he says, "but no. Sakura's kind of a mean kid, actually, but she tries to hide it. Rin was never like that. She was just... kind."

You eye the side-by-side photos of his old team and his new team; maybe Sakura doesn't look that much like Rin after all.

**/**

You start to pay more attention to Sakura. She doesn't look like the girl you met in the hospital. She looks more miserable and lonelier too. You ask Shizune if you should be concerned.

"She lost Sasuke and Naruto both in the span of two weeks," she says, staring at the image of Sakura with her knees pulled into her chest, "I think she needs something to hold onto."

**/**

You attend another meeting with the Council.

Danzō criticizes Sakura's slow progress with wood release as though he doesn't see the way she's curled in on herself. You want to slap him again. Shizune senses this and puts her hand over yours to calm you.

You can't afford to anger the Council again today.

"For her protection, I want Sakura to adopt the Senju name," you announce when they've finished discussing her future as a tool for the state. You feel the temperature drop once you've said it.

"Tsunade-sama," Koharu says scoldingly, "do you understand the political ramifications of giving a civilian child the Senju name?"

"You have no qualms making her a weapon, but when I suggest we protect her, suddenly, she's a civilian child?" you growl, losing your cool completely. Sakura turned thirteen five months ago. She should always be a child when these geriatric bastards talk about her.

Homura scowls at you. "She doesn't even have a drop of Senju blood in her; what would be the point?"

"The point would be to protect her! When other villages find out she has the wood release and isn't a Senju, they'll try to assassinate her or abduct her! If Orochimaru finds out, who knows what awful things he would do to this poor girl!" you scream at them.

"Tsunade-sama!" Shizune exclaims, not condescending like these bastards but still reprimanding you.

Danzō twists his cane into the ground. "Tsunade-hime is right," he says, catching you off guard, "we must protect Haruno Sakura-kun at any cost. Konoha cannot afford to lose such its first natural wood release user since Hashirama.

You hate his reasoning but you'll take anything that gets you approval.

**/**

You meet with her after her lesson with Tenzo ends. He doesn't smile at her or praise her at all; he never does. He just tells her to meditate more to increase her chakra reserves and leaves her to pack her things.

"Sakura," you say. It's the first time you've spoken directly to her since she was hospitalized. "I've discussed it with the Council and we've decided that, politically, the best move from here is for you to take the Senju name."

She stares at you for a moment, then looks down to her feet where her sandals are muddied and wearing-down. She slumps a little bit. Body language is everything and you know this is a girl whose head a Yamanaka needs to examine immediately.

"I don't want that," she decides, "I—thank you, Hokage-sama, but I can't take your clan name." Her voice comes out a shadow of the voice of the girl who had promised to stand by Naruto's side.

"You don't want the Senju name?" you ask, a touch offended.

"I don't deserve it," she mumbles, "I was the only civilian in my graduating class."

You glare at her. "If anything, kid, that proves you deserve it even more. Half your graduating class was a bunch of bratty clan heirs and you still ranked fourth in your overall class."

"I'm sorry, Hokage-sama, I just... I'm not a Senju," she bows like she's trying to feign politeness when you know she just wants to escape.

You don't push it, but you order a psych evaluation for her.

The Yamanaka brat bursts into the hospital the day it's scheduled for and demands to be the one to perform it. Your gut reaction is a resounding no but her father says that she's been training for this kind of thing and Sakura is her best friend, so your arm is twisted until you have to say yes.

"Sakura has... she has some kind of other personality," Ino notes, "during the prelim match, it threw me out of her head when I tried my mind transfer jutsu on her."

Your knuckles turn a fleshy white as you curl your hands into fists. "I'll oversee the evaluation," you announce. There's no arguing with you on this.

You catch Ino when her body goes limp before handing her over to her father. With your chakra evaluating her brain activity, you watch Sakura closely as every corner of her mind is inspected. An hour crawls by and Sakura's expression changes uncomfortably too many times for you to keep track of.

Finally, Ino releases the jutsu and Sakura doesn't open her eyes but she starts to cry. Crying is a normal response to this jutsu, Inoichi had explained to her before they began. The invasion of the mind at this level was originally a torture technique.

But Ino looks heartbroken. She pulls you aside to report her findings. "... She has a deficiency of serotonin and—her thoughts are... they're not good. The other personality looked different too. I think Sakura is depressed."

Shizune strides over to Sakura and puts a hand on her shoulder. "Sakura-san, are you awake?" she asks.

Sakura hesitates before nodding.

"Okay, Ino found some concerning things, so you're going to be scheduled to meet with me soon. I'm going to help you, is that alright?" she speaks calmly and quietly. She's always had a gentler touch about these things than you.

"Okay," Sakura sniffles a bit. "No one's going to go through my head again, right?" she asks.

"No, Sakura-san, we won't have to do this again. The next part won't hurt," Shizune smiles.

Sakura tries to match her smile. She can't.

**/**

You officially disband Team 7 before Sakura's first session with Shizune. You don't ask too many questions about it, so Shizune doesn't break medic-patient confidentiality too many times.

The art of healing the mind is complex; you'd like to think you pioneered quite a bit of it in your prime, but where she falls behind in you in healing the body, Shizune trailblazes in mental health. You're proud of her for surpassing you at something, even if it's still a murky field.

"What's your diagnosis? Was the Yamanaka brat right?" you finally ask.

Shizune clutches her notes tightly and sighs. "I'm afraid so, Tsunade-sama. Sakura-san shows an alarming number of classic depression symptoms," she says. "It's serious. She's not actively suicidal but she's fantasizing about disappearing and dealing with maladaptive daydreams. I'm working on a treatment plan for her, but even your antidepressants are only effective half the time. If they don't work for her, I'll have to resort to the alternatives and you know how unreliable those can be."

"There's something else," you scowl, "Shizune, you have to be straight with me."

"... I think the wood release training is making this worse. Sakura's not doing nearly as well with it as she's used to and it seems to be adding to her self-esteem issues," she sighs.

You report to the Council about Shizune's assessment.

For the first time, you see Danzō raise his voice. "The village cannot afford to put aside its best interests for Sakura-kun's happiness!"

"Danzō-sama, I'm sorry, but Sakura-san is clinically depressed, not unhappy. This is a serious condition that I have to treat as a medic," Shizune bows her head to him with Tonton in hand. The sight sickens you.

"I'm not sorry. Sakura's health needs to come before her goddamn training," you bite back.

"Think about what you're saying, Tsunade-hime! This girl is not more important than the future of the village. I should have known you would be weak enough to do something like this after your stunt with the Uchiha boy," he says gruffly.

You almost slap him again, but this time, Shizune catches your wrist.

"Healing Sakura-san's mind is the best thing for both her and the village right now. Her depression could be hindering her growth with the wood release significantly. If we don't treat her depression, she could end up taking her own life like Hatake Sakumo did. No one wants that, and this would only be a temporary hiatus in her training sessions. You have my word, Danzō-sama," she says in a voice both calm and serious.

The elders aren't happy, but they agree to it.

**/**

Over the next month, on your antidepressants, Sakura gets better. According to Shizune, it's slow but visible. Her sandals aren't muddied anymore and her posture improves. She moves at a normal speed again and stops avoiding eye contact all the time. Sakura is healing and you couldn't be happier.

You don't know this girl who you'd thought was a ghost of a dead girl haunting you for not helping her, but through your pupil, you're saving her.

You think you're not a failure as Hokage after all.

**/**

Sakura's lessons with Tenzo start up again.

Her progress is still slow, but she does better now. You feel less obliged to oversee each one now that you know she's getting better. You get up to leave halfway through and Sakura panics.

"Tsunade-sama!" she calls, "don't go; there's something I need to talk to you about."

So you wait.

And wait.

And wait.

Sakura finally asks you to train her.

**/**

Orochimaru has Sasuke, Jiraiya has Naruto, and you have Sakura. She's late, so you tell her you'll be working her twice as hard.

**/**

You start with the history of medical ninjutsu.

Correction: you start with the first medic-nin, Kaguya. Kaguya who gave ribs so that she could heal her clan. Kaguya who first wielded yin and yang release. Kaguya who started everything you stand for.

Then, you teach her about your grandfather's cells and their advanced healing and your great uncle and his invention of the modern mystic palm technique. You teach her about how an Iwa kunoichi first invented organ transplants before you perfected the modern-day transplant. About the twelve-year-old girl who performed a perfect Sharingan eye transplant in a dingy cave during the Third Shinobi World War. You teach her about Biwako, the woman who first delivered a child safely and minimized the risk of death during childbirth. You teach her about how Shizune has trailblazed medical ninjutsu for mental health. You even teach her about Chiyo, who hates you and utilizes her medical ninjutsu to create poisons that only you can cure people of.

You teach her about every woman who came before her and the men who did too ("most medic-nin are women, but the Inuzuka normalize their men and women learning medical ninjutsu," you say to her awe).

You talk to her about the future of medical ninjutsu and how you hope to make universal healthcare the standard for all nations by passing it into law in Konoha.

Then, you teach her about anatomy in a way the academy could only dream of.

Sakura understands everything and applies it almost immediately. It occurs to you only half-way through that you are shaping the mind of the future of Konoha.

You hope you can teach her well.

The Council doesn't. They barge into your office, unscheduled and furious the day after word gets out that you've taken on a civilian-born shinobi as your next disciple.

They glower at you and demand to know why you would take her on when there are clan heirs with the potential to be amazing medics.

"The Yamanaka girl or the Hyūga girl would have done excellently under your tutelage, Tsunade-sama," Koharu insists.

"Neither of them asked me to teach them. Sakura did," you say, uncharacteristically calm. "If you don't mind, I have paperwork to fill out."

Disgruntled, they leave.

You're surprised when they don't have you assassinated that night.

**/**

Sakura devours medical ninjutsu at a rate you haven't seen since Shizune. You let yourself wonder briefly if Rin would have progressed like this under your care, then remind yourself Sakura is not Rin.

Her chakra reserves expand greatly under your care as you fix her diet and her meditation technique. She gets better at using wood release too. This was the problem, you realize. Her stupid civilian parents let her diet like a normal girl instead of a shinobi. They didn't see that they were hurting her progress.

It occurs to you that to them, Sakura _is_ a normal girl. It occurs to you that they're right. Sakura is only thirteen. She is a child caught up in a warring world she is years away from truly understanding.

You say yes when she asks to learn your fighting technique if only to protect her in this world.

**/**

"Kakashi," you greet him, "did you know Sakura was on a diet?"

He blanches. A resounding no.

"Did you know she wasn't meditating correctly?" you ask.

Another no.

"Okay. What about Sasuke and Naruto?" you ask.

"Neither of them were on diets. Naruto didn't meditate very well, but he never needed to increase his chakra reserves," he says.

You sigh. "Did you neglect Sakura because she reminded you of Rin?"

He tenses up. "I wasn't a very good teacher," he admits.

"You never should have been made a sensei to begin with," you sigh, "not for this squad at least. I got her off the diet and corrected her meditation technique. I'm going to meet with her parents now. You're dismissed."

"Tsunade-sama," he says before he goes, "I'm sorry."

You stare at him for a moment. Then decide, "don't be. It was Hiruzen-sensei's fault." You don't mean to speak ill of the dead. It just comes out. But it doesn't feel wrong once you've said it either.

**/**

You hate Sakura's parents immediately.

Her mother, Mebuki, is so fake and perfect, she offers you food and speaks kindly in an almost rehearsed manner. She's honored to have the Hokage training her daughter, but you know that she doesn't understand what that really means.

Sakura's parents are almost aggressively civilian, and Mebuki wants Sakura to be the same.

It makes you sick.

"Sakura's been feeling so much better too, ever since she started training under you!" her dad, Kizashi, grins, "she was in a funk under just that Yamato fellow. It was like her fourth year at the academy all over, you remember that, kiddo?"

Sakura flushes and tells him not to embarrass her in front of you, but all you can think about is what he called it: a funk. Hadn't Shizune talked to them and explained her depression?

"It's not my training. The antidepressants are correcting the serotonin production in her brain," you correct him.

Mebuki waves her hand, dismissively. "Oh, Sakura doesn't take those anymore. She cheered right up after a month and we took her off of them."

You break your chopsticks into splintered pieces.

Sakura looks up from her plate of mostly meat—if nothing else, you're glad they listened to you about the change in her diet to include more protein—and her eyes go wide like saucers.

"Shishou!" she exclaims, "it's fine, really. I do feel better now."

"You feel better because you were on meds and you're going to therapy with Shizune," you growl, "going off your medications is bad for you. You could enter another depressive episode."

"We're glad you're concerned about _our_ daughter," Mebuki says, "but trust me, she's fine. Sakura gets moody sometimes, she's just being a teenager."

You could throw this fucking table at her stupid face if she wasn't a civilian. "I'm a medic and it's my duty to tell you that no, she's not being a teenager. A Yamanaka looked through her brain and found irregularities that aren't just normal teenage moodiness. Sakura is clinically depressed. She needs to stay on her antidepressants which, by the way, I created, or she risks entering a new episode," you grit out.

Mebuki doesn't invite you back to dinner.

You ask Shizune if you can file for adoption while Sakura's parents are alive.

**/**

Sakura's training schedule gets even later and, just like that, Sakura is back on her antidepressants.

**/**

Autumn ends and Sakura can break boulders with her bare hands. Autumn ends and Inuzuka Kiba starts learning medical ninjutsu under his older sister and Hyūga Neji starts learning medical ninjutsu under Shizune, but Sakura is already years ahead of them both. Autumn ends and Sakura asks you about Kabuto's fighting technique.

"The way Kabuto fights is medically unethical," you tell her.

She looks upset to be shot down before even asking if she can fight that way too, but she doesn't push it.

To make up for it, you tell her about Katsuyu.

Sakura turns fourteen and goes to shikkotsu forest. She comes back with the slug contract Shizune failed to sign. Sakura is fourteen and you're already sure this girl will surpass you one day.

You remember what Jiraiya had told you about Rin and how he believed she could master your Byakugō one day. Sakura is not Rin, but you still see a dead girl if you don't look close enough, so you teach her instead.

You will not let this girl die.

**Author's Note:**

> i love kudos AND comments so leave both pls <3
> 
> if u wanna ask me anything abt this series my tumblr is @[hotgirlsakura](http://hotgirlsakura.tumblr.com)! 
> 
> if you really liked it, check out the links on my blog


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